true lfe story

True Story

At the early age of her life a beautiful confused little girl from a village of L.......in a small country of Samoa located in the Pacific Ocean. She lived her entire childhood life through nightmares of abuse and exploitation that nearly destroyed her.
The twists and turns of her life were of her own misfortunes according to the families. Hated by her money greedy uncle and troubled by a love/ hate relationship with the Grandmother .And worst of all deserted by her mother and father after birth. This is her remarkable true story of many years of hurts and confusion. She asks herself “Was it my fault”



Was It My Fault?

A glimpse of my past still leaves a scar on my aching heart. Everyday I wondered, was I to blame for all the twists and turns in my life?

The following are different scenarios in my life resulting in me always asking “was is it my fault?”


My Real Name and Place of Birth
Growing up in a rural area with my extended family, I knew so little about myself (e.g) who my real father was, where was I born and what my real name was. I was always known as Jane Samsun in my family, my village and my church until I started going to Pesega Primary School, that’s when I found out that my real name in my passport and birth certificate was Gathryn instead of Jane Samsun and I was born in our village of Landman instead of the National Hospital at Motootua. When people in my village and church found out about my true identity, they kept asking me why was I called otherwise. “ I was tired of their noisiness” so instead of answering their questions I replied back with a question of my “was it my fault?”


Name Change
My grandparents tried to legally change my name at the Registrar Office but their attempts failed because my real mother (their daughter) didn’t agree to give them custody or legal guardian of me. As a result one of my uncles got angry to both me and my mother saying “it’s a total waste of his parents time to look after me” but was it my fault that she didn’t want to sign those legal documents?


My uncle and his love for money
Speaking of my mother I didn’t have any close bonding or mother & daughter connection with her because I was living in Samoa while she was residing in Levin, Wellington. There were times I wanted to cry upon her shoulders whenever I faced difficulties to feel the warmth of her motherly love but she was distance away from me. What makes me sad the most was whenever my uncle (the same uncle who got angry at the first scenario) couldn’t get hold of my mother to send some money over, he would took out his anger on me and telling me that my mother was useless and she wasn’t thinking of our family anymore.
Was it my fault that she’s not sending money anymore? I was hurt and shed a lot of tears and as a result, I no longer wanted to stay in my own family.


Curiosity about real father
As days, months, years went by, my curiosity grew stronger and stronger of who my real father was and where he could be found thinking that I would have a father & daughter close relationship as it was impossible to reach my mother in NZ for I wasn’t told of her phone number or postal address. Searching for my father was also a failure for I was clueless. Therefore, I decided to have patient and believing that all will be revealed at the right time.

I have no father
Several years later my grandmother wished for all of her children to come to Samoa as she was dying. God provided a way for me to find my mother so I could pass on her mother’s wish and couple of days later she arrived. Exploiting the opportunity to dig out information about my real father, I courageously asked my mother what his name was, where he came from etc… when we were alone. My curiosity and courage slowly faded when she slapped my cheek and said, “E leai sou kama, ua lava ma kokoe lo’u kama e fai ma ou kama”. I was taken aback at her reaction and suspected something had went wrong in her past with him and again I asked myself “was it my fault” that he’s not around?


Grandma’s Death
Couple of weeks later, my dear grandmother passed away. We were sad and missed her greatly for all the good works and teachings she taught us and for raising us to become better individuals. One night as we were still mourning her death, my uncle got home drunk and asked for his dinner to be served immediately. I brought him his dinner but as soon as I laid it before him, he looked up at me angrily and said “you’re the reason why our mother died”. If looks could kill I would had been struck dead right there in front of him at that very moment and again I asked myself “was it my fault” that she died? Head down, shoulders hung low and tears falling, I sadly retired to bed. Remembering my one true friend who never left me no matter what I did, I knelt down to pray asking Him for His forgiveness upon my soul and for a way to set me free from the kind of life I was living. A life of fear, threatening physically, verbally and emotionally abused. My prayers were answered when I got married in 2002 and decided to move out from my family to live with my husband’s family at Moamoa.


A solution to my problems
Even though I loved my grandfather very much but my decision of moving out wouldn’t change because I’m tired of being abused and accused of things I had never done. Therefore, my husband and I came up with a strategy of how to be in contact with my grandfather ie; meeting up with him every working day at the RSA because that was his favourite place to hang out with his friends after work. Months later he had asthma attack and was advised by his doctor to cut down his drinking and smoking habits which he couldn’t because he was an addict. On 23rd December 2002, he left us to be reunited with our grandmother on the other side of the veil.


A stranger and the Big Surprise
A week later after his burial, I started working again because I was on bereavement leave and on that same day, a big surprise was waiting for me. Before going out for lunch with my work mates on that same day, our Central Operation office called me there’s someone who wanted to see me outside. Walking outside to see who it was, I saw only one man standing outside. He’s muscular built, fair with reddish brown hair wearing a brown cargo shorts with a Hawaiian aloa shirt to match and holding a laptop on hand. My first impression of him was that he was a tourist probably wanting to reconfirm his return flight to whichever country he came from, but the fact he knew my name remained a mystery. Being so polite as usual, I asked him how I could of any help to him. He was gazing at me for quite a long time which made me nervous and uncomfortable. Finally he was able to utter his first words “Are you Ga.......?” I replied “yes” then there was a long pause. My heart was pounding really fast trying to capture my memory wether I had seen this face before somewhere but the reply was a negative. I was puzzled, but then he finally said those words which I had longed to hear when I was a child “you may not know me or have heard of me, my name is T..... L....... Seeing you face to face is more than enough to prove that you are my flesh and blood, no need for any DNA test.”
Hearing these words from a stranger didn’t excite me because that yearning I had as a child was long gone and all that matters to me now was becoming a strong successful woman and to have a happy marriage. But this man claiming to be my biological father, just stirred up my ugly past which I had very much preferred to leave untouched and buried for as long as I live. What else he had said I didn’t hear because I was lost in my own world of anger, confusion and wondering why now? Would it make a difference to the kind of life I was living?


My perspective
My perspective was that he probably knew about my mother’s situation (that she was pregnant with me), but he denied it was his. Maybe he was having another woman in his life which might be the answer to my mother’s reaction when I asked her for the very first time of who my father was. Therefore, no matter how hard he tried to convince me that he wasn’t at fault putting all the blame on my mother of what had happened in the past, I didn’t buy it quite easily. I would be very stupid to accept everything fast, without hearing my mother’s side of the story first, wouldn’t I?


Can’t buy Trust and Love over night
He was in Samoa for 3weeks and he would probably noticed that I wasn’t close to him and didn’t have any intention of getting to know him more because I received an email from him stating “daughter, I’m looking forward to the day you’re going to call me ‘dad’ instead of my real name and I want to make up for all these years of your life I missed out on” It’s good in a way that I now know about him so I could tell my 2nd and 3rd generation but calling him ‘dad’ is another issue for me. Building trust, friendship and love doesn’t happen over night, does it? And am I at fault for not allowing him so suddenly into my life?

Conclusion
I was just an innocent child who got caught up in the adults world of misery and whose feelings and emotions weren’t counted as important by my own family who thought they had the right to blame me for their misfortunes and those who thought could bring sunshine to my cloudy days.
To answer my own recurring question “Was It My Fault?” I strongly state “NO IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.”

I was given permission by the writer to publish her story, the real name of the writer is being conceal for her protection..Thanks for visiting my blog.Pstr Solia